One of the most amazing things about being single is that if you want love, it feels like you’ll be forever alone. If you’re with someone, you may have forgotten what it’s like to be without your special someone (but chances are that you’ve fantasized about it at least once). Each sign is unique in how they manage to keep from entering into a long-term relationship.
Aries is still single because it thinks life is a competition and it flirts like a caveman or woman. Aries is the type to go up to a stranger in a bar and ask them if they would like to have sex and if the answer is no, moves on to the next person, feeling more invigorated by the challenge each time until the bouncer throws them out. Aries also tends to do what little children do when they have a crush: imagine a grown adult going out of their way to tease another adult at work. It doesn’t turn into love; it turns into a meeting with HR.
It’s hard for Aries to understand that trying to “win” someone over doesn’t mean winning as in, challenging that hottie to a game of foosball, then screaming “what you got now, bitch?” when they win, and why that won’t get them a second date.
Taurus is still single because it is too lazy to sweep someone of their feet and gets too comfortable too quickly. This is perhaps the laziest sign in the zodiac. It usually won’t go looking for love unless it’s sure it has something to offer, like nice dates, flowers, and anniversary presents. The problem is that Taurus also has issues with sharing, and thus spending money on decent anniversary gifts. Taurus will literally buy a partner something Taurus always wanted as if their partner couldn’t see through that.
Taurus also loves nothing more than to do nothing at all, which means three dates and then the rest of the relationship sitting on the sofa. Taurus farts too soon in the relationship, too. It doesn’t want to leave its comfort zone, so unless Taurus finds someone as boring as they are, or saves up their money to buy a Real Doll (which really is up Taurus’s alley) it just won’t work.
Gemini is still single because it won’t stop talking and it can never just be the two of you. Remember that Erykah Badu song, “Tyrone?” Tyrone was a Gemini. Dating Gemini is also dating Gemini’s best friend, siblings, and cousins. First date is a family dinner where the date finds out that Gemini’s family already knows everything about them, including things they would have rather kept secret.
They compare their current lovers to their former ones. Gemini cannot keep a secret or hold down a job (okay, maybe that’s an exaggeration), but stability, peace, and quiet are not Gemini’s forte. It’s Romper Room 24-7. Gemini tends to be more youthful in love and less interested in settling or in the future. The good time is now, when there’s dates and pictures to put on Instagram of how great a couple they are. The actual boring couple’s stuff? Eh…
Cancer is still single because it is looking for someone who is just like Mom or Dad and talks about marriage and kids on the first date. Cancer is looking for a spouse and a family. It’s really tough to want to have sex with someone who thinks comparing you to their parent is a compliment. Cancer oscillates between wanting to parent and to be parented. On one hand, home-cooked meals are great. On the other hand, being guilted over not coming home before 9 p.m. gets old, as does spending every weekend at Mom’s house.
On the other hand…Cancer can be quite the baby, and as soon as someone condones it, it’s Spaghetti-Os in front of the television for dinner every night for the rest of the year. Oh, and forget about cooking – no one cooks as great as Mom, even if Gordon Ramsay would slap her across the face if he tasted her cooking.
Leo is still single because it struggles with the paradox of needing the hottest partner ever, but not so hot that he or she eclipses Leo. Leo needs to be the hottest person in the room, but also needs a hot partner, but also needs someone to worship them. Their best bet for a relationship is to punch below their weight to find someone who is just happy to be with them. However, serving Leo’s every whim gets old, even for a wimp.
Leo is more interested in putting the perfect selfie on social media than it is in having a good time with a real person. It may not even see that someone is unhappy if the pictures are coming out well. Also, it’s really hard to do sleepovers with someone who gets self-tanner all over the sheets after sex and still takes three hours to get ready to go to Wal-Mart because they have to look like they’re going to the club in case some big Hollywood producer who just happens to be in Podunk looking for the next rising star.
Virgo is still single because it thinks pointing out someone’s flaws and reorganizing their stuff “the right way” is helpful. In fact, no one is quite right enough for Virgo, and it’s really hard to be spontaneous with someone who showers before, during, and after sex and thinks that talking about contagious diseases and vegetable smoothies is foreplay. Virgo makes love using a manual, but skips over all the “icky” stuff, which also happens to be all the fun stuff.
Virgo will die if it finds a hot pepper in its food or if its LaCroix is too bubbly, making eating out too difficult. Also, it’s not sexy to follow your girlfriend or boyfriend around with a brush and dustpan, nor is it a turn-on to tell someone “you know, you’re not really that fat, only a little fat, so you should still cover that up, but don’t feel bad about it,” and say this in public, in front of their co-workers.
Libra is still single because it won’t make a move even if it’s life depended on it or choose between its thousands of crushes. In fact, Libra will genuinely wonder why someone didn’t ask them out but it will never occur to them to make the first move, ever. Libra swipes left on everyone but never responds to messages. Libra likes to have its mind read and its butt kissed, because as far as Libra is concerned, there are plenty of fish in the sea who would line up for a chance to take a bite of their worm. Oh, and they let people know this.
Libra will allow their date to starve to death waiting for Libra to choose something on the menu. Libra will then lie about how good it tastes if there’s something wrong with the food, and then lie about having a great time. The person they went out with will only find out what Libra really thinks when one of their friends tells them.
Scorpio is still single because it has no patience for anyone who is anything less than The One, who is probably just someone way out of their league that they stalk. Scorpio is all in or all out, and it tends to flirt by staring without blinking, and then saying something really creepy, like, “my animal is attracted to your animal,” which is totally a true story. Then, they go on a few dates and get angry that the other person is holding back by not agreeing to taste each other’s blood.
Scorpio never takes anything at face value and reads way too much into things, so never let them borrow your pen. They think it’s a marriage proposal, and they also have a hard time taking “no” at face value. Scorpio also tends to fall in love with people who reject them. They also tend to fall in love with people who are unavailable because they’re already married, making for crazy times for all.
Sagittarius is still single because it likes it that way and panics at the first sight of commitment. Seriously, out of all the signs, this one wants to be single and is happier when it is single. Hookup culture is Sagittarius’s dream come true, and it is going to live that dream as long as it can! Even if Sagittarius falls in love, it doesn’t necessarily need to be with their loved one, and it doesn’t necessarily stay in love forever.
In the rare case of a lonely Sagittarius, the reason they’re single is because they can’t stay in one place and they have a notorious roving eye. Flirting is just a way of communicating, even if they’re doing it with their hips on the dance floor and not with their words. However, Sagittarius also has a lack of physical awareness, thinking he’s winning that girl over with a discussion about postmodern rejection of empiricism while she’s hoping the food in his beard isn’t going to fall in her drink. (It falls in his drink and he doesn’t notice.)
Capricorn is still single because no one else is good enough and Capricorn is too shy to flirt and doesn’t want to be seen smiling in public. Think of your average skanky wannabe pick up artist, and then think of the person who would likely rap their knuckles with a ruler, and you have Capricorn. It’s hard to find love when you act like a butler around your crush. It’s also hard to find love when your number one priority in a mate is either someone who will help you build your empire or someone who was born wealthy and is connected.
Also, Capricorn is a secretly huge pervert who represses some serious kinks to appear hypernormal in public, and it’s hard to both find a girlfriend who will dress you like a milkmaid and spank you on Saturday and then go to church with you on Sunday and to write all that on a dating app profile without also revealing who you are. It‘s best for Capricorn to just pretend that they’re too good for all the available potential partners around them.
Aquarius is still single because Aquarius doesn’t believe in putting labels on relationships or in monogamy. Aquarius likes being with people, just not as boyfriend/girlfriend or spouses. It doesn’t want to be pigeonholed. It probably can’t even stand the restraints of “open relationship.” It can find lots of other freaks that are happy to not have to pair off, but not usually in the quaint farming communities of Iowa where cross-dressing happens behind closed doors.
It’s also really hard to find a partner when you live to prove that you’re smarter than everyone. Aquarius can go on a “date” and then engage in a battle of wits with their date, win, and then wonder why their date isn’t happy to have the grand opportunity to be basking in the presence of a genius. When Aquarius calls their date “stupid,” it wasn’t meant to be an insult, but rather stating the facts. Also, since Aquarius is too special to do what the plebes do, it’s hard to find someone up for a Monday night date to an art house documentary on counter-culture quilting in Micronesia.
is still single because Pisces already has a picture-perfect imaginary girlfriend or boyfriend they’ve been with for years. Pisces dates and marries for love, but largely for the idealized person, not the real one. It doesn’t want to deal with the imperfections that real humans who exist in the first dimension have, when a hentai character is absolutely perfect. Notice me, senpai! Pisces can happily live in a fantasy world with a fantasy crush who becomes a lover who becomes a spouse who then betrays them and breaks their heart and causes them to cry themselves to sleep in real life, because that’s how wild Pisces’s imagination is.
Pisces also tends to lay a trap when it’s looking for love by pretending to be a wounded animal. Pisces is in search of Captain Save-a-Ho to give them a fairytale happy ending, and when they find out that Captain is flawed like everyone else, Pisces literally feels defrauded and runs back to into it’s imaginary lover’s arms.
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