Published by:

56 Funny Quotes From People of Each Zodiac Sign

leo the lion as a standup comedian

People say the darndest things, and who doesn’t love quotes that make us laugh? Here is an assortment of funny quotes made by people of each zodiac sign that will make you LOL.


“By all means let’s be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.”
– Richard Dawkins (Aries born March 26)

“To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.”
– Reba McEntire (Aries born March 28)

“I have a memory like an elephant. I remember every elephant I’ve ever met.”
– Herb Caen (Aries born April 3)

“My friends who have babies can’t do anything. You can’t go out at night. Having a baby is like a DUI from the universe.”
– Natasha Leggero (Aries born March 26)


“The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.”
– Terry Pratchett (Taurus born April 28)

“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
– Jerry Seinfeld (Taurus born April 29)

“That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”
– George Carlin (Taurus born May 12)

“Life is hard. After all, it kills you.”
– Katharine Hepburn (Taurus born May 12)

“There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.”
– Josh Billings (Taurus born April 21)


“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.”
– Brooke Shields (Gemini born May 31)

“I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”
– Joan Rivers (Gemini born June 8)

“I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.”
– Demetri Martin (Gemini born May 25)

“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.”
– Elbert Hubbard (Gemini born June 19)

“Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell.”
― Criss Jami, Killosophy (Gemini born May 29)

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
– Clint Eastwood (Gemini born May 31)


“We owe a lot to Thomas Edison – if it wasn’t for him, we’d be watching television by candlelight.”
– Milton Berle (Cancer born July 12)

“Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?”
– Phyllis Diller (Cancer born July 17)

“You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.”
– Dave Barry (Cancer born July 3)

“If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.”
– Robin Williams (Cancer born July 21)

“Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.”
– E. B. White (Cancer born July 11)


“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help.”
– Alex Haley (Leo born August 11)

“I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren’t any rules, how could you break them?”
– Leo Durocher (Leo born July 27)

“A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.”
– Don Marquis (Leo born July 29)

“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”
– George Bernard Shaw (Leo born July 26)

“I feel like my career has been a series of glowing obituaries.”
– Michael Ian Black (Leo born August 12)


“If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.”
– Laurence J. Peter (Virgo born September 16)

“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
– Buddy Hackett (Virgo born August 31)

“When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.”
– Lily Tomlin (Virgo born September 1)

“I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.”
– Warren Buffett (Virgo born August 30)

“I have a hard time with interviews, because I’d rather hear about the interviewer.”
– Maria Bamford (Virgo born September 3)


“I was eating in a Chinese restaurant downtown. There was a dish called Mother and Child Reunion. It’s chicken and eggs. And I said, I gotta use that one.”
– Paul Simon (Libra born October 13)

“I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.”
– David Lee Roth (Libra born October 10)

“Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.”
– Lenny Bruce (Libra born October 13)


“Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.”
– James A. Garfield (Scorpio born November 19)

“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.”
– Billy Sunday (Scorpio born November 19)

“I don’t believe in storks. I know they don’t deliver babies; they deliver pickles.”
– Tracy Morgan (Scorpio born November 10)


“Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.”
– Margaret Mead (Sagittarius born December 16)

“A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.”
– Oliver Herford (Sagittarius born December 3)

“I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.”
– Ron White (Sagittarius born December 18)

“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
– Rodney Dangerfield (Sagittarius born November 22)

“What’s another word for Thesaurus?”
– Steven Wright (Sagittarius born December 6)


See also  13 Celebrities Born on Friday the 13th


“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
– Jim Carrey (Capricorn born January 17)

“If at first you don’t succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.”
– William Lyon Phelps (Capricorn born January 2)

“Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.”
– Benjamin Franklin (Capricorn born January 17)

“Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I.”
– Oscar Levant (Capricorn born December 27)

“Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.”
– Joey Adams (Capricorn born January 9)


“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
– George Burns (Aquarius born January 20)

“Society is like a stew. If you don’t stir it up every once in a while then a layer of scum floats to the top.”
– Edward Abbey (Aquarius born January 29)

“My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.”
– Jimmy Durante (Aquarius born February 10)

“If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.”
– Alice Roosevelt Longworth (Aquarius born February 12)

“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.”
– Ellen DeGeneres (Aquarius born January 26)


“Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.”
– Jules Renard (Pisces born February 22)

“I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.”
– Douglas Adams (Pisces born March 11)

“I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.”
– Mitch Hedberg (Pisces born February 24)

“Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.”
– Robert Orben (Pisces born March 4)

“We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know.”
– W. H. Auden (Pisces born February 21)


Related Posts:


Jetta Moon

Subscribe to Blog via Email

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 615 other subscribers

Leave a Reply