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Crimes of the MBTI Types

double exposure image of hooded figure and a city skyline.

When it comes to criminal masterminds, one might think of the suave gentleman thief or the cold-blooded killer. But what about the quiet bookkeeper who seems benign but is actually cooking the books? Or the talkative con artist who can manipulate anyone with a few choice words? The 16 personalities can be found in all walks of life, including the criminal underworld. Here is the type of miscreant legal violation most befitting of each MBTI personality.


Stalking: Their obsessive fixation on the perfect person of their dreams drove INFJ to pitiable depths of desperation. In their mind, the other person is in love with INFJ, they just don’t know it yet. In their ideal world, INFJ and this person were meant to be together, it is predestined and only a matter of time before their stars align. INFJ just wants to help things along by being in the right place at the right time.


Public Intoxication: Depressed and inconsolable, they find solace at the bottom of the bottle. It becomes their medicine of choice for the blues, distracting them from incessant grief and self loathing. Numbing their pain turns into an addictive and immoderate habit. INFP is now imbibing as early as 10 AM just to get through the day. They run errands as though everything is normal until they finally get apprehended for erratic behavior, stumbling around and vomiting in the middle of street.


Drug Lord: It’s not the type of career INTJ would of wanted for themselves, but circumstances pushed them into it and it turned out that they’re damn good at it. Like Heisenberg, INTJ is the mastermind behind the operation and the creator of the secret proprietary recipe for which their product is successful. INTJ is the calculated and ruthless drug lord who learned from other’s mistakes and takes every precaution and implements every improvement they can. Like a hawk, they monitor competitors and law enforcement alike to ensure they are always several steps ahead of them.


Cyber Terrorism: Once geeky INTP discovers the power of programming and develops an adept knowledge of it, a manifold of possibilities will naturally blossom in the INTP’s mind. Feeling like a God, INTP gives in to the desire to flex their coding muscle and demonstrate how even the most fortified database is no match for the INTP’s hacker genius. INTP does it mostly for the challenge and amusement of seeing how vulnerable a mighty corporation can be against a single solitary individual on a laptop.

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Ponzi Scheme: When it comes to devising elaborate schemes and scams, ENTJ is the best. They knew how to work the system and rig it in their favor. As charismatic and personable as they can be, they had little qualms about using people as pawns and stepping stones for their own advancement. As a hustler, they saw an opportunity in front of them that no one else saw. They persuaded naive and desperate suckers into taking part with the promise of getting wildly rich. In the end, it was all a con-game from which only ENTJ was meant to benefit.


Grand Larceny: Part crazy, part ingenious, the ENTP was arrogant enough to believe they could stage and pull off the most ambitious heist in history. The plot was by no means conventional and involved a lot of clever ideas that had never been tried before. Everyone said it couldn’t be done, and that’s exactly why ENTP did it. Mission Impossible is their favorite type of mission. As far as they’re concerned, there is no problem for which they cannot find a solution, even if it takes a lifetime of obsessive testing and trial and error to find it.


Bribery: Whether giving them or receiving them, ENFJ utilized bribes as an effective bargaining tool in the service of what they consider to be the greater good. ENFJ payed off some powerful people in exchange for unlawful advantages benefiting their espoused group. They felt it was a justified compromise because the tremendous good it would do trumped the significance of violating an arbitrary restriction.


Crime of Passion: ENFP’s passionate rage overwhelmed them and caused them to do something they would later regret and have to pay for in the eyes of the law. When ENFP discovered that their lover had been having steamy liaisons with a coworker, the humiliation and betrayal they felt was unbearable. Given the history of their relationship, everything they’ve been through together, everything ENFP did and sacrificed for their partner… how could they do this? Rationality has left the building and now their unstable emotions have taken over the ship escalating to a tragic outcome.


Prostitution: It wasn’t their first choice, but money was tight and so ESFJ did what they had to do to make ends meet. Their obsequious nature served them well and they naturally understood how to keep their clients happy and coming back for more repeat business. ESFJ made all their customers feel like they were truly cared about and often confided their personal problems to the ESFJ as though they were a therapist. A lot of times, their clientele just wanted someone to talk to and ESFJ made them feel appreciated and valued.


Abettor to a Crime: It wasn’t ISFJ’s idea, but somewhere along the way they got recruited into the mix. When the jig was up, their involvement was mostly tangential but they were found guilty by association or by virtue of their tacit complicity with the criminal activity happening around and in front of them. They may have knowingly supported the crooks by sheltering and hiding them from law officials canvassing the neighborhood desperately searching every nook and cranny to capture the perps. .


Embezzlement: ESTJ established themselves as the kingpin in an elaborate white collar crime scheme. They coordinated with the ISTJ to siphon money out of the organization surreptitiously. They leveraged their formidable knowledge of business, law and capitalism to engineer a well thought out plan to not only get rich but also cover their tracks and leave behind no paper trail. Additionally, they employed sneaky tactics like registering dummy corporations, fake charity organizations and off-shore bank accounts to hide the money.


Tax Evasion: ISTJ exploited their extensive knowledge of the tax code and utilized some dirty and dishonest ways for bypassing their tax obligations. They know all the loopholes and may even make money advising the rich and wealthy on how to do the same. ISTJ and ESTJ probably teamed up as co-conspirators of white collar crimes that rip off the working class proletariats.


Shoplifting: Sometimes, ISFP just wanted what they couldn’t have or afford to have. Other times it was just the thrill-seeking rush that comes with getting away with it that motivated them. Either way, ISFP’s impulsive compulsion turned them into a kleptomaniac who got too comfortable with taking what they wanted. After successfully snatching things off the shelves a couple of times, it became a game to them until they finally got busted red handed.


Disturbing the Peace: In a state of drunken reverie, the ESFP become too uninhibited and crazy as they menaced the neighborhood in pursuit of fun and excitement. They didn’t understand what everyone was so uptight about, life is too short and they just wanted to live a little. Nevermind the rowdy raucous guests and the blaring music playing till 3 in the morning.

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Serial Killer: Somewhere in their lives, ISTP went wrong and now they’ve morphed into an unhinged homicidal nutbag. They discovered a sadistic pleasure in hunting people and bludgeoning them with wrenches and canned corn, a task at which they get better and better at over time. Investigators had trouble tracking ISTP because their crimes seemed inconsistent and random. That is, until detective INTP deciphers the pattern, cracks the case and uncovers ISTP’s identity.


Reckless Endangerment & Speeding: In the heat or thrill of the moment, ESTP just got way over their heads and into trouble. They must’ve thought they were invincible or untouchable, but either way, they terrified a bunch of people and jeopardized everyone’s safety. ESTP wasn’t really thinking about that, they were too busy being a maverick and living the “carpe diem” lifestyle. When they get excited, they can do some pretty ill-advised and short-sighted things for the sake of a transient rush.

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Jetta Moon
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