“miss neo-america” by Nocturny
For you, this month will be better than last month but not as good as the month before that. If you are single, someone special may enter your life but you will soon run them away with your weird aura. No one gets you. You will find yourself dwelling more than usual on your past mistakes, humiliations and failures as well as the recent fresh ones. You will beat yourself up and feel like slitting your wrists with Hallmark cards. Don’t do it. Hang in there; your depression will dissipate once you discover your newest obsession: analyzing Natalie Portman movies!
Your patience will be paper thin this month. Normally it is like poster board but now it will be more like tissue paper. In the mean time, try to stay low key and avoid answering the phone. You’re especially paranoid during this period and probably owe the government thousands in back taxes. For now, you will need to retreat to your underground bunker until you can get your shit together. Your cache of bottled water and Top Ramen may be running low so don’t forget to replenish your stock. Tonight: treat yourself to an invigorating colon cleanse.
As an ENTP, you are adept at seeing things from other’s perspective. This month, you will want to take this a step further by changing your gender just to understand what it’s like to have boobs or balls. You will soon after change your mind and opt instead to simply cross-dress. A wise alternative. This month, a spirit of entrepreneurship will overtake you. You will be compelled to stop binge-watching Breaking Bad and finally start your own business selling meth door to door. Unfortunately, you will later be robbed at sword point and end up having to turn tricks on the streets to make ends meet.
Love is in the air! You’ve had your eye on a special someone for some time and now you need to make your move! Show them how much you care by giving them an erotic pat down! While wearing a TSA uniform of course. Offer to do their taxes, or draw a tasteful nude portrait of them. Even if they are not impressed by your artistic prowess, they will likely be flattered by your effort and passion. Tonight: reward yourself with a hearty bowl of soup.
You normally don’t take any shit from people but this month you may have to take a piece or two. Try to maintain grace under fire and don’t let others get under your skin. It’s important to have a support system so connect with friends and family as well as your pets. Invest in your self development with challenging challenges. Buy a cat and potty train it. See if you can teach it to cook soup for you, or fetch your slippers like a dog would. Dare to be great; set new precedents and secure your place in the annals of history.
You have a winsome smile thanks to your excellent teeth. This month however, look out: cavities and gingivitis are knocking at your door. Your gummy bear addiction is starting to take it’s toll on your oral welfare and corrective action will need to be taken. Try to curb your enthusiasm for confections and incorporate more sugar free and aspartame-free gum into your diet. Now is the time to branch out and be adventurous. Tonight: experiment with a different brand of shampoo and sprinkle cinnamon on your chest for good luck.
You love to love, but mainly you like to argue. Personal indecision means you can’t make up your mind about anything, and while in most social situations you are happy going with the flow, your main aim is to find a partner and then to get them home. Once there you abuse them mercilessly, in time driving peaceful people to violence by never agreeing with anything they say, always defending the opposite of what your last point should have been. Eventually others are forced to clarify your angle for you, while you can always blame them for the upset meanwhile.
This month you will discover you have an astonishing ability to communicate with animals. You spend many hours looking in the mirror. In fact you like to look at yourself looking in the mirror, because that’s where your two faces come in hugely useful. You adore telling one person one thing and another something else, while doing something totally different altogether, all at the same time. You pretend to be carefree, but underneath calculate the cost benefit of every association. You’re so full of complexes you don’t know who you are, while everybody soon reaches the same conclusion, once they have endured your moods and unreliability for long enough.
You are charming and persuasive, especially when you want something or you’re out to make a good impression, and particularly with people you don’t know very well. In private you are miserable, bad-tempered and often vicious with your family, since inside your home and round those who know you better, you don’t care whatever you say. You are snappy, crabby and unapproachable, especially first thing in the morning, when you haven’t eaten, or if you’ve just come home from a hard day at the shops. You have a name for nurturing but really, you simply can’t let go.
You are unoriginal and typical, believing rules are meant to be followed and that pretty much, no one can do whatever they want. Providing you weren’t expecting company then probably you’re right, but you’ll find many fading in their commitment once they are living in the fallout of such an elemental force. In truth, you wouldn’t tolerate this kind of restrictive behavior yourself from anybody else, so you can’t expect others to take it back from you, either. If you’re ready to go it alone then that’s fine, but for emotional support or reassurance, it’ll always be a case of bringing your own…
You like to think you are helpful and performing some kind of service, as you give everyone the benefit of your unwarranted advice. You can’t understand why they say you are moaning, nagging or sticking your nose where it isn’t wanted, as you make unwelcome suggestions on all sorts of things you apparently know nothing about. But for many, even your usual round of bitching is better than having you witter on about your health. For someone who talks so much about leading a healthy lifestyle, it’s weird how often there is some new sickness to complain about…
You are naturally cold-hearted so don’t usually need to try, but you still always do your utmost not to let silly feelings or emotions cloud that important issue, your cash. If something serves no material purpose you’ll eliminate it from your life, so Fido is encouraged to play with the traffic once veterinary bills start to figure and Grandma is away to the old folks home once her will is rewritten in your favor. Friends are superfluous unless they pay you, assist your aims or give you something for free. Obviously you don’t have many of them, but then again, why should you care?
Dopey, Bashful and Sleepy weren’t just three of the seven dwarves, they’re also great descriptions of your frequent and ruinous mood swings. These are plentiful, since as a wet and slippery fish, you regularly change your persona to fit in with present company. At times you are Grumpy, often for no real reason and on occasion you’re Sneezy, since you are prone to allergies and to a spectrum of psychosomatic issues and complaints. Rarely are you Happy, though people often call you the Doc, largely due to the medication necessary to get yourself through each day.
You enjoy an intense emotional life behind what you believe is your cool and inscrutable facade. However, you are simply going over the same old things, without ever noticeably moving forwards, or getting anything sorted out. Far from appearing calm and collected, others believe you look distinctly dubious, plus they’ve noticed how vengeful you are, how easy it is to upset you and how you always have an issue over something or another. Scorpio links with passion and with sex, but real intimacy looks utterly impossible, when you are this screwed up inside yourself.
You are the sultan of spin. Your abilities are limited but you’re extremely vocal about them and you never waste a chance to make yourself look talented or clever. Thus you gain advantage over those with more flair but greater modesty and suffer forever after with crippling pangs of insecurity, since you know how tenuous and reliant on bluster your grip on your supposed position plainly is. You are a hypocrite and you don’t practice what you preach. Claiming freedom and equal opportunities, you wouldn’t help anybody you felt afraid, was clearly heaps better than you.
You think you are the best at everything and you don’t care who you trample in your hurry to show off. You worm your way into a position of trust with a mask of generosity, affability and bumbling incompetence, and it isn’t until too late that others find out for themselves, just how ruthless and naked your ambitions manifestly are. Inside you lack courage and confidence, so you choose limited situations to move in on, where you believe that you can easily shine. After all, it is better being a big fish in a small pond than paddling in the ocean, with your vulnerabilities so apparent.